New Year's Eve: Yup, it's a self reflecting post... why are you surprised?

It seems appropriate, being New Year’s Eve, to do some self reflecting; everyone seems so insistent on making resolutions and reevaluating his or her life that I am feeling rather obligated to follow suit. Feel free to vomit, laugh or shake your head in unrelenting shame as you read yet another unrequited post by one of the many unmotivated people who make new year's resolutions every year. 

Blaaaahhhh, all over the place: This is currently how I feel about my progress as a relatively sane human being within the past year. I’d like to think I have made some subtle changes regarding some, cough, “issues” that I have dealt with for many years; however, I can’t seem to shake off one familiar question: Why I am unable to take that extra step into pure and utter self contentment?

I can’t help but feel people are unable to change, not for selfish reasons- the reasons psychologists and Dr Phil’s out there like to brand the poor individual who find it difficult to change- but for selfless reasons. I am in no way trying to make victims of us all who are unable to cope with transition, but I am purporting an argument that seems rather logical. 

It comes down to a fear of inconveniencing others. As a perfectionist, and one who does not like to ruffle the feathers of anyone who she comes into contact with, I feel if I were to change into a “better Jenna” – a more lively, fun and “emotionally there” person – that the people around me would be rather… indifferent towards the change. Right now I am an ideal friend, girlfriend, sister and daughter; I make no emotional demands for love or commitment, I am passive, I allow all relationship flaws to remain unnoticed, I don’t ask for advice, help, support, to be taken out for dinner, to a movie, to an event. I am all of these things because I am selfishly rapt within my out little world of Jenna.

Being completely unresponsive towards a life outside of my own obscure, upside-down, horribly lonely universe, I have relieved anyone who is connected with me of having any sort of responsibilities that are required to maintain a healthy relationship. If I were to change, would I be upsetting everyone by becoming a more emotionally demanding person? Would others want yet another person who they have to put effort into in order to sustain a human relationship? I for one can vouch for their discontentment; I remain isolated because it seems easier to not have friends then to have friends... it's f-ing hard work. 

I have this vision of a woman who is strong, who has a voice so powerful it knocks the god damn world’s socks off; she is fun and opinionated and has the ability to be extremely pissed off, hilarious, aggressive, flirty, happy, sad – all of those wonderful emotions human’s experience. Yet, I am finding it incredibly difficult to make that extra leap into the unknown where I can transform into this new animal, a new breed. I am not so much afraid of jumping, but of what this jump in turn will do to my surrounding relationships. I would become a different Jenna, and I am fearful not everyone who appreciate and want that. Uggg... looks like I am living proof of what a Freudian scholar would classify as someone who is wearing a "figurative mask". 

2011 can go to hell, like the rest of the god damn years that have come and gone with no evidence of ever being here at all. I am hoping this small fire that is burning in the pit of my belly will remain ignited and will slowly grow to a hellish bonfire that will burn down this wall of self hatred and insecurity straight to the gates of Hades. I don’t know what I want in life as of yet, but I definitely don’t want this- what I have now- and I think that is a pretty good place to start.   

A Poem: "The Flame"

The Flame

By Jenna Reimer

I am free.

Free to wake, free to breath,

To walk, to run,

To leave that empty space.

I am free to accept, to refuse

In beautiful times

Or flaming seconds;

I am the flame.

I can be ignited

And lit by my fueled palm.

There is no I or burning

Unless I think it into being.

I can be extinguished

And die in a fury of nothing-

A flaming of the heart.

I am free in every way.

A Poem: The Night Dance

The Night Dance 

By Jenna Reimer
The ceiling looks different tonight.
Over our bodies the lighted lattice comes and goes;
The window muffles the rusted exhausts and pickled voices outside.
I am awake to listen.

Your moth-breath, deep exhales,
Suck back the dead air; the slow brooding sound
Within a drafty library I cannot stand.
I am awake to breathe that sulphured loveliness.

I stumble from the bed.
My footsteps echo, mule-heavy,
With a full nakedness that shadows the sound of my being.
I am awake to feel 3 am.

Cold bath tile, a distant wind moves in my ears;
A mirror reflects my eyes puffy in a shade of tired pink.
One cry leaves my head heavy in hands.
I am awake to remember this. 

A Poem: "The Bones of Winter"

It is as if everything dies at once; together in a quiet leave.
The morning after is silent;
All the leaves have fallen- lush branches now skeletal and frail.
The symphony of birds, the whisper of warm winds,
The performance of waltzing trees,
Disappear into a realm of cold forgotten.
A heavy air, a crueler weighty sky
Burdens a now deadened terrain;
A season destroyed to make way for another.
This vale of grief shrouds the earth in sables
Where we will have to wait to be children once again.

A Poem: "Quiet!"

O Sorrow! O Sorrow!
In the night you sigh so deeply,
In solitude you breathe a cold air of sorrow, sorrow.
On the crimson fields, autumn’s undress, you weep; weeping
While no sun shines, shining on your tears tearing-
Tired, cracked cries from a suffering mind.
O who is it that squeals, whose voice forms such wretched wheals?
With sorrow, streaming sorrows, choking themselves with feral cries?
O shameless mass, brooding howler- O preacher of sickening wallows-
Away with you! Desperate despised, demise your sobbing yelps!
O shadow, masked by the loosened night- At dusk your modesty revealed
And no longer may you shout,
Of Sorrow! Sorrow! Sorrow!

Experimenting with Modular Origami

I haven't decided whether I consider myself a traditionalist or modernist when it comes to origami. I experimented with some modular pieces (combining several identical pieces to create one model) and enjoyed the repetitiveness the creation; however, I still find myself fascinated with the simplicity of basic shapes, animals and other traditional origami pieces. To me, the minimalism of customary origami seems to relay a deeper truth and meaning, almost as if the pieces cohesion is much more apparent through its one-dimensional folds (if that makes any sense)- a little origami philosophy for the day.
I am going to be attempting a complex unicorn and elephant this week and I have a feeling I will gain more satisfaction from their construction, but we will see.
PS: Im super excited to get back into school btw <-- Just a little pointless information. :-)

New Hobby: Origami

I feel terrible I haven’t posted anything on my blog in an extremely long time; it is something that really gives me a lot of joy so I intend of ramping up my blogging! I am starting to think the reason I have been lacking in motivation to post is the fact it has been awfully hot which makes it difficult to bake; thus, no recipes to share. However, I do have more interests than baking so I guess that is no excuse!

Speaking of interests, I have recently taken up the hobby of origami! I seem to have a natural ability for it so I am trying to indulge in the art as much as possible. I find it so peaceful where I find all the trivial stresses of life seem to dissipate into the small folds and creases of the paper. Here are some of my most recent creations that I am bashfully proud of; I think that is what is helping me continue the hobby, I feel so gloriously proud after I complete a piece!