Long time running.

Wow, I guess school and work have really gotten in the way of my poetry/creative writing, and general passion for anything. Funny how life comes at you hard and you neglect to do the things that make you most happy, all to satisfy the areas in your life that make you the most sad (work, money, debt etc). School will finally be finished in December, for good, and I am not quite sure what my plan is afterwards. I am looking forward to starting something new; I am tired of this job and more than tired of school.

But where to go from there? Where does a student with an English major head to? The options are endless, and the list of opportunities is long and far too ambiguous for me to decide on anything in particular. I guess I am reluctant on choosing something asap in order to meet others' expectations of what a graduate student should accomplish afterwards. I haven't even been the ideal student- constantly missing class in order to clock in more hours to pay the bills- so becoming the ideal graduate seems unlikely. I am still uncertain as to whether school was worth the mounting debt that I will now be burdened with for the rest of my life, all for what? The title of saying I am an English major? Who gives a shit?! What does that do for me that is suppose to make me so god damn proud?!

The questions from others' will transition from "so when are you finished? What are you studying? Where are you going with that?" to "so now that you're done what's your plan? Is that what you went to school for?" The stress will continue with trying to please everyone, making sure I become the person that everyone expects me to be; although I have failed miserably at that for several years. It will now, however, be in a different form that has a slightly less air of urgency to it. I regret going to university, absolutely. I feel completely comfortable with making that statement because I am quite certain I could have found a lovely job, where I was happy, making decent money, that didn't require a degree. I would also not be drowning in debt like I am now; I am still not quit certain how I am going to afford living on my own and adding an extra $600 payment a month to my expenses come January.

I don't know where this post was destined to go, or how it started. I don't have any potential self-fulfilling prophesy that is going to cure my feelings of disillusionment, uncertainty and confusion. I sometimes can't believe this is it, this is who I am, what my life is, and what  I will have to work with for who knows how much longer. How is it that I can claim to be in control of my own destiny, yet I am completely powerless to actively change my life in order to make it better? I don't really care, really. Am I so far lost that I  have become indifferent towards the concept of not just existing, but living. Cliche isn't it. Who knows. That is it though, isn't it? WHO KNOWS?! No one f-ing knows anything. Everyone is as delirious as the next and whoever claims to be in control of their circumstances and others is full of utter horse shit. We are all walking blind in a land that cannot be verified by anything other than our pure belief that we exist in something that is in a medium beyond our comprehension. Sounds ridiculous to me. Right?