It seems appropriate, being New Year’s Eve, to do some self
reflecting; everyone seems so insistent on making resolutions and reevaluating
his or her life that I am feeling rather obligated to follow suit. Feel free to vomit, laugh or shake your head in unrelenting shame as you read yet another unrequited post by one of the many unmotivated people who make new year's resolutions every year.
Blaaaahhhh, all over the place: This is currently how I feel about my progress
as a relatively sane human being within the past year. I’d like to think I have
made some subtle changes regarding some, cough, “issues” that I have dealt with
for many years; however, I can’t seem to shake off one familiar question: Why
I am unable to take that extra step into pure and utter self contentment?
I can’t help but feel people are unable to change, not for
selfish reasons- the reasons psychologists and Dr Phil’s out there like to
brand the poor individual who find it difficult to change- but for
selfless reasons. I am in no way trying to make victims of us all who are
unable to cope with transition, but I am purporting an argument that seems rather logical.
It comes down to a fear of inconveniencing others. As a
perfectionist, and one who does not like to ruffle the feathers of anyone who
she comes into contact with, I feel if I were to change into a “better Jenna” –
a more lively, fun and “emotionally there” person – that the people around me
would be rather… indifferent towards the change. Right now I am an ideal
friend, girlfriend, sister and daughter; I make no emotional demands for love
or commitment, I am passive, I allow all relationship flaws to remain
unnoticed, I don’t ask for advice, help, support, to be taken out for dinner, to a movie, to an event. I
am all of these things because I am selfishly rapt within my out little world
of Jenna.
Being completely unresponsive towards a life outside of my
own obscure, upside-down, horribly lonely universe, I have relieved anyone who is
connected with me of having any sort of responsibilities that are required to
maintain a healthy relationship. If I were to change, would I be upsetting
everyone by becoming a more emotionally demanding person? Would others want yet another person who they have to put effort into in order to sustain a human relationship? I for one can vouch for their discontentment; I remain isolated because it seems easier to not have friends then to have friends... it's f-ing hard work.
I have this vision of a woman who is strong, who has a voice
so powerful it knocks the god damn world’s socks off; she is fun and
opinionated and has the ability to be extremely pissed off, hilarious, aggressive,
flirty, happy, sad – all of those wonderful emotions human’s experience. Yet, I
am finding it incredibly difficult to make that extra leap into the unknown
where I can transform into this new animal, a new breed. I am not so much afraid of jumping,
but of what this jump in turn will do to my surrounding relationships. I would
become a different Jenna, and I am fearful not everyone who appreciate and want
that. Uggg... looks like I am living proof of what a Freudian scholar would classify as someone who is wearing a "figurative mask".
2011 can go to hell, like the rest of the god damn years
that have come and gone with no evidence of ever being here at all. I am hoping
this small fire that is burning in the pit of my belly will remain ignited and
will slowly grow to a hellish bonfire that will burn down this wall of self
hatred and insecurity straight to the gates of Hades. I don’t know what I want in life as of yet, but I
definitely don’t want this- what I have now- and I think that is a pretty good
place to start.
