Living without appeal, living within the field of time where you are continually reminded of your limits of a constrained and meaningless life- I can’t help but find this utterly tragic yet entirely appealing. To live with constant awareness of the uncertainty and ambiguity of an existence, where no greater life exists but your own, comforts me. My actions and judgments shield me from all that is separate from my own being; all influences that are deemed “outer”, simply said, influences that are “not me”, are completely impervious as my thoughts are my own consciousness, an awaken state only I can conceive. My own consciousness is a sole escape for an intellectual alignment and personal reality as this mindfulness is the only reality I will ever know. This internal awareness is all we will ever believe to be true; perhaps this realization is why I always right down my dreams, I never know when I am going to wake up into an unfamiliar world.
This reflective and internal contemplation is all we have that holds true, and it is this truth that carries us through this insignificant life. As I type this I question my own breath, I watch my fingers delicately touch buttons while a compilation of letters turn into words before my eyes that I believe to mean something. Brushing my hair behind my ear or closing my eyes while my fingers read the contours of my face, my lips, my eyes I become lost in a stream of mindless chattering and confusion. Am I the only one who truly exists? Is this life I experience all apart of a dream that continually transforms in relation to how I perceive it? Is there a world going on when I am not looking or is it only now, and here, where a central being is present that is defined according to my own vision? I cannot answer these questions, no one can, and so I will except this bleak understanding and remain silent in my humble life where I hold no expectations or judgments. I exist in a life that will carry me till my death and where I will try not to obey the flame and be utterly alone in doing so.
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